Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
