My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
