When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
