the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
