As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
