glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
