You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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