a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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