Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
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Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
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Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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