dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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