Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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