Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
