well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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