Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
