I could have mohawked her pubes.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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