he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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