worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
