u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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