just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
