I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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