It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
