i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
