Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
