Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
