I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
