WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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