I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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