you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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