I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
