I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
