Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
