I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
