Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
