I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
