A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
