everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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