I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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