i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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