Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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