Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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