Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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