her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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