apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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