there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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