I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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