...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
