Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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