Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
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Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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