"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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