She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
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