you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
