Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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