Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
