I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
