I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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