i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He? As in you personified your dick?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Someone signed my nipple.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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