I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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