im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
nutella sex= disaster
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
