I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
