hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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